13+Analysis+Improving+your+style

 This short exercise is to encourage students to avoid “labelling” and clumsy expression, commonly acknowledged concerns in the final presentation.  “The writer uses a rhetorical question in the passage to encourage the reader to come around to his point of view.” ||  “The writer’s use of the rhetorical question” What can be really meant by this?” encourages the reader to reflect on their response to the issue.” || In this case the focus of the poor sentence is on “the rhetorical question”. In the better sentence, the focus of the sentence is how the expression “What can be really meant by this?” persuades the reader. On the way we are told that the expression is a rhetorical question, but this is merely additional useful information.  It is good to use the terminology, but it is not good to have the terminology become the focus of the sentence.  It is also good to have quotations from the article in the analysis. || “The writer uses a lot of inclusive language because we know that this makes the reader feel as though they are included in the same situation as the writer and that they will feel inclined to agree with them.”  ||  When the writer uses the terms, “we”, “our”, and “community” the reader is invited to become involved in the issue in a more personal way. This inclusiveness can be very reassuring for the reader who may sense the need to belong to a group. || The poor sentence focuses us onto the technique but does not give us any examples of why this might work. The sentence really just defines the role and function of “inclusive language” as a technique, not how it does so in this particular article. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 8pt;"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The better sentence does not even use the term “inclusive language” and yet with the use of the word “inclusiveness” the meaning is still absolutely clear. The term does not always have to be used. If the meaning is clear then the term may sometimes be left out. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 8pt;"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The better sentence also gives quotations and an explanation about why inclusiveness is an attractive persuasive device. || <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In paragraph two of this letter to the editor the writer positions the reader to also be angry. He uses tone, appeal to hip-pocket nerve, an appeal to patriotism and emotive language and this will persuade the reader. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> || <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 8pt;"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In the second paragraph of this letter to the editor the writer uses a range of strategies to attempt to manipulate the reader’s position on the issue. He directly appeals to people’s concerns about money, their sense of being “an Aussie”, and with a great deal of humour, reminds his reader of what it means to be “true blue”, “fair dinkum” and “totally laid back” <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> || <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The enemy of good writing is the cliché. In a task like this it is very easy to fall into the trap of using cliches. The first time an expression was used it was innovative. The second time may have been useful, but unfortunately over time the expression becomes so overused as to be boring and meaningless. It does not show a strong control of language by the student, merely a knowledge of apparently “approved” expressions. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In the poor sentence the overused expressions are “positions the reader” and the labels of the technique. These cliches may seem convenient tools, and sometimes they really are, but they do not always help our understanding unless we share the code with audience. After all, while we may all know what “emotive language” means, we have not been shown what sort of emotion is being used and to what effect? Is it angry or humorous, or apologetic? <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The better sentence covers exactly the same material but it chooses to use a variety of ways of saying it. Instead of the cliché “positions the reader” the writer has said “manipulate the reader’s position”. It is a variation, but it has avoided the cliché. The writer has also explained the expression “hip-pocket nerve” by referring to “people’s concerns about money”. The same has been done for “patriotism” with being “an Aussie”. The student has then gone on to be quite specific about the nature of the emotive language by quoting the amusingly used Aussie slang, or “colloquial language”. The tone is clearly covered in the use of the word “humour”. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It is not necessary to replace all terms, but if your writing ends up as a list of cliches and labels, it ceases to be fluent or effective. In the case above I would actually recommend using the word “patriotism” and then give the example rather than avoid it altogether. Don’t be afraid of the term, just use it judiciously. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It is also not possible to say that a reader “will” be persuaded. There is an attempt to persuade and it may have a high likelihood of success but there is no guarantee that all readers “will” be persuaded. Always use words like “may” and “encourage” when exploring this part of the discussion <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> || <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The writer’s tone is very angry at the decision of the government. He uses words such as “appalled”, “disgusted” and “I would like to see a change” to show how he feels and to persuade his reader. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> || <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The writer’s anger at the government’s decision is clearly apparent in his use of words such as “appalled” and “disgusted”. The understated remark “I would like to see a change” further reinforces this tone. || <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The poor example doesn’t really do a really bad job this time, but in order to sound more convincing, the writer has got the grammar a bit mixed and tried to include an expression in a group it does not belong to it. It is very tempting to give three examples. It’s a really convincing number, but unless all examples fit the purpose it is not useful to include them all. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The student writing this has indicated that the writer uses “words”. This is true for “appalled” and “disgusted.” In the case of “I would like to see a change” though, it is an “expression”, not a single word and this is clumsy technique by the student. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In this case “appalled “ and “disgusted” really fit the bill of expressions of “anger”. However, the expression “I would like to see change” does not carry the same level of strong feeling. It is understated and mild. It still clearly shows unhappiness and opposition but it is not really angry. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Ensure that the examples you choose actually fit the description you give them. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The second example separates the two different approaches and gives them their own value. They reinforce each other and give the analysis a sense of greater depth. ||
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